Thursday, January 31, 2013


Larry the dandelion was very unhappy plant. He was the only one of his kind in the backyard and he often felt out of place. He wished he could get away from there.

The loquacious daisies and irises didn’t help him feel better. “I wish they’d take that Larry away,” the daisies would say.

“He’s so ugly,” the irises would complain every day.

One day a rabbit hopped into the yard. He listened to the plants then turned to Larry. “Would you like to get away from this?”

Larry jumped at the chance. “Yes, please! Take me away!”

The rabbit pulled on Larry as the plants cheered him on. With one last tug, the rabbit freed Larry from the ground.

As the rabbit was jumping away with the dandelion in his mouth, Larry realized his blunder. The daisies and irises laughed.

“Don’t worry,” the rabbit said to Larry. “They’re dessert.”

Moral of the Story: Watch what you wish for.

Friday, January 18, 2013

Lessons in Pet Ownership

"Oh my gosh!" Janie squeed as she pulled away from her mother. She pressed her face against the window.

"We don't have time for this," her mother replied. She reached out for her daughter's hand to pull her away from whatever had caught her seven year old daughter's attention. "We need to hurry."

"Please, please, please can we get one?" Janie begged.

Her mother looked up and cringed. Janie was going ga-ga over a litter of multi-colored Martian babies looking incredibly adorable.

"Do you remember what happened with the last alien we got?" her mother asked. She shuddered as she thought back to that day nearly a year ago.

Janie and her had been out grocery shopping and they had left two year old Harry with the babysitter. When they got home, the babysitter was gone and Spot, their young Neptunian was gnawing on what was left of Harry. They were all still going to therapy.

"These are Martians, Mom! Not a nasty Neptunian. These aliens are so sweet and cute," Janie argued. It was clear she had fallen in love with them.

"We don't have time to take care of an alien, and we're late ..."

"Dr. Smeggle said it was a good idea."

"We'll talk about it later. Can we please go now?"

"Pinky promise?" Janie asked as she held oui her pinky.

"Pinky promise," her mother replied and wrapped her pinky around Janie's pinky then grabbed her hand.

Later that night, while Janie was getting ready for bed, her mother said, "I talked to Dr. Smeggle and your father. They both agree that you're ready for a new alien and the breed of Martian you saw would be a perfect pet."

"Yay! Thank you, Mommy!" Janie exclaimed. She threw her arms around her mother and hugged her tight.

"We can pick it up after school tomorrow."


"Time to get up Janie!" her mother called from the kitchen. "Janie! Are you awake?"

When Janie didn't answer, her mother went upstairs. There was no sign of her daughter.

"Pinkie, have you seen Janie?" she asked their pet Martian.

The alien smirked then glanced at the floor on the other side of the bed. Janie's mom walked around the bed and screamed. Her daughter's half eaten body was slumped on the floor.

"Don't be ... mad at ... Pinkie. I ... I forgot ... to ... to feed ... her," Janie explained in a raspy voice. And then she died.

Thursday, January 17, 2013

Native Dining

John and Dave bounced around in the back seat of the jeep as their guide drove them deep into the jungle. They were missionaries sent to bring Christianity to this recently discovered tribe in Rwanda.

"Pull over at the next water hole. We want to take a swim and clean up," John said to the guide.

"Yes, okay," the guide replied. They drove for several minutes then he stopped by a small watering hole with a sign with a figure swimming. "This one is safe."

The two men jumped into the water with their clothes on so they could clean themselves and their clothes at the same time. The guide surveyed the area, which was known for its gorilla population, with his hunting gun at the ready.

“Do not stay long,” the guide called to them anxiously.

“Relax, we’re nearly done,” Dave replied. A few minutes later the men emerged from the water then rung out their clothes before getting back in the vehicle.

“How much further?” John asked as he looked towards the sun which was edging closer to the mountain tops in the distance.

“Very close,” the guide replied.

An hour later, the jeep came to a stop next to a small village. “We are here,” the guide said then jumped out of the jeep. He approached the first man and explained in Swahili who the men were and that the chief had agreed to allow the men to come.

A group of the natives had formed around the jeep and their guide. “Come, come,” the guide said, motioning to the men. They climbed out of the jeep then followed their guide and the man he’d first spoken to into the village. They stopped outside the chief’s hut.

“Wait,” the guide said then entered the hut.

They could hear a discussion between the two men. There was silence then the guide reappeared with the chief.

The chief began speaking and the guide translated for the newcomers, who knew some basic Swahili but not enough to understand what was being said. “Welcome to the strange ones. We will have a feast.”

Asante sana, thank you very much,” John replied.

The whole tribe set to work on creating the bounty for the feast. John and Dave were escorted to the center of the village and given grass basket chairs to sit in as the natives danced around and sang spiritual songs to their gods.

The music and dancing stopped and the chief said a ceremonial prayer to their gods as his daughters presented the missionaries with warmed alcoholic drinks in small bowls carved from the bone of some animal. The drinks had a spicy aroma and they quickly drank them as everyone watched.

“Delicious, ladha!” Dave announced and there was much cheering.

Suddenly the two men stiffened then fell forward out of the baskets. The daughters checked for breathing and announced they were dead. The tribal women gathered the two men up and tied their bodies to spits then placed them over a low burning fire.

The guide was praised for bringing the bounty to their village and sat next to the chief. When the men were done cooking, he was given the first bowl of food. “Ladha!” he proclaimed.

Friday, January 11, 2013

Mistakes in Cloning

Stan was running through Central Park late one night. Being a half vampire, he preferred to do most of his outdoor activities after the sun had gone down.

As he was passing The Lake, he noticed a purple light in the sky above the water. Stan tried to duck out of sight but it was too late, they’d noticed him.

“Stop!” a voice boomed. Stan kept running, hoping to be able to out run whatever it was.

“Stop, or I’ll say stop again!”

Stan paused then started to laugh. They were playing a recording from an old Robin Williams’ comedy special. While he was laughing, they transported him onto their ship.

“Ah ... so many pedestrians and so little time,” the voice said.

“Put me back! I’m famous!”

“I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you.”

“Come on, please? I have to work a double shift tomorrow!”

“We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins. Carpe diem!” the voice said as it pulled a chunk of Stan’s hairs from his head.

When Stan woke a short time later he was back on the sidewalk in Central Park with his hair missing. He didn’t tell anyone what happened, he was sure no one would believe him.

Several months later, Stan woke up to the sounds of people screaming in the streets outside. He ran to the window and gasped as he saw a legion of giant humans that looked just like him. They were trampling buildings and stomping on people. He hadn’t dreamed his visit on the spaceship. It had really happened!

He called the mayor. “I know how to stop the aliens.”

Within a half hour fire departments from all over the city converged in the path of the aliens. They rolled out their hoses and on the commander’s orders, aimed it at the aliens.

The water burned their skin and they turned, racing back to the mother ship.

“How did you know to use Holy Water?” the mayor asked.

“They’re half vampire, just like me.”