Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Man Haters Café

"Bob has cheated on me for the last time," Jen said as tears ran down her face.

"Do you want to make sure he never does that again?" Sheila asked. Jen blew her nose then nodded. "Go to the Man Haters Café."

Sheila handed Jen a business card. On it was a phone number. "Call to make an appointment. You'll be happy you did."

Jen called the café the next day. "I have a man problem," she said. "My boyfriend has been lying and cheating on me for months."

"We can dispose of him for a modest fee," the woman replied.

"How much?"


"What do you do with the body?"

"We make it useful, the one thing they constantly fail at when alive, by using him to create sumptuous meals for our patrons. You would get first dibs of a meal of your choosing."

"I ... I don't think I could eat him!" Jen said.

"It is part of the contract," the woman replied.

There was silence as Jen pictured Bob kissing that floozy outside the club. "I'll do it," she said and provided them with the details and her billing information.

A week later Jen received a call. "Bob has been taken care of. Will you be joining us tonight or tomorrow?"

"Tonight at 7?"

"Splendid," the woman replied. “We will have a limo pick you up at 6:15.”

Just before 7, Jen, who was dressed like she was going to a five star restaurant, rang the doorbell of the large Victorian house.

A woman in Victorian-era clothes answered the door. "Jen Smith I presume?" she asked.

"Yes," Jen answered.

"Please come this way."

Jen followed the woman to a table set for one. There were two candles and a bouquet of roses in the middle of the table. The table was set with antique silverware and China. She sat down on the plush velveteen covered chair and waited for her meal to be brought out.

“The first course was a liver pate on thin slices of fresh baked Jewish rye bread,” the female server announced as she set the plate in front of her. Jen nibbled on one slice as she’d never eaten anything like it and was surprised how much she enjoyed it.

The owner watched Jen from the shadows. Watching her clients eating their former lovers gave her much pleasure. It reminded her of the meals she’d made from every one of her former lovers who had betrayed her trust and love. The recipes from her Jewish heritage made excellent bases for many of the dishes she served.

The server returned with a bowl sorbet, another bowl of soup and a plate of what looked like grilled scallops. “Penis stew with onions and stewed tomatoes with grilled testicles,” the server announced.

Jen blanched but ate the sorbet to cleanse her palette then cautiously took a bite of the soup. It was simple but quite delicious. Next she tried the testicles. They were a bit gamey but not bad. When she finished most of it she set her silverware down and waited for the next course to be delivered.

The server returned with another bowl of sorbet and the main course. It looked like a piece of steak on stir-fried carrots, peppers, snow peas and onions. The server moved her appetizer dishes away then set it the other food down in front of her.

“What is this?” Jen asked as she looked down at it.

“Seared heart cutlets with stir-fry vegetables.”

Jen looked up at the woman. “His heart?” The server nodded.

“Oh. I … he broke my heart but I don’t know if I can eat his.”

“The agreement is that you eat the full meal,” the server reminded her. Jen stared at the meat and she could swear she saw it beating.

“Is it still … beating?”

“No Ma’am, it is fully cooked.”

“Thank you,” Jen said then ate the sorbet before cutting into the heart. It was better than the best steak she’d ever eaten and the vegetables were crisp and flavorful. She surprised herself by finishing it off.

“Are you ready for dessert?” the server asked. Jen nodded her head.

The server returned with a French toast flavored cupcake covered by maple frosting and crumbled bacon made from Bob’s back fat. Jen bit into and actually moaned aloud. It melted in her mouth.

She sat back when she finished eating and let her meal settle. It was amazing the effect of eating Bob had on her heartache, she was feeling better.

The server returned. “I will call for the limo to take you home. Thank you for your business,” she said then disappeared again. A few minutes later Jen was back in the limo, being whisked home.

The next day she called her friend Sheila. “Thanks for the tip. Bob was delicious! Wanna go bar hopping tonight? I think its time to start looking for my next meal at the Man Haters Café.”