Thursday, July 8, 2021

Prize Winning Destruction

“What’s your project?” the Universal Science Fair judge asked.

“I populated a planet called Earth with diverse foliage and animal life. One animal species evolved to have advanced intellect,” Snarflug answered.

“Very impressive.”

That afternoon Snarflug was awarded the first prize. He collected his trophy then headed to Dawbur’s house.

“Ready?” Snarflug asked. His best friend grinned evilly then nodded.

Snarflug pressed a red button and they watched with glee as all life on Earth was destroyed with volcano eruptions, tsunamis, earthquakes, and floods.

They dumped the experiment in the trash then went inside to play video games.

This was originally written in 2011.

Saturday, January 25, 2020

Cookies


“Who bought that moose cookie jar?” Dave asked. Henry shrugged his shoulders and left the room.

“You need to kill him,” said a voice.

“Henry, you playing me?” There was no reply.

A kitchen drawer slid open, revealing a new rope. “He is going to kill you.”

“What the …”

“Then use the kayak.”

The back door opened to reveal a new kayak.

“Do it, before he kills you.”

Dave stared at the cartoony moose cookie jar with its dopey smile. “I must need sleep.”

“Do it now.”

“Henry ain’t gonna to kill me and I ain’t gonna kill him.”

The drawer and door suddenly flew shut and the cookie jar spoke no more.

Henry was watching TV. “Did you get rope and a kayak?”

“Yeah, gonna be fishing later. Why?”

“Nothing, just hearing voices saying your gonna kill me. Crazy stuff. I’m gonna take a nap.”

Dave woke up when he felt someone tying his wrists together. The cookie jar was on his desk.

“You and this mouthy cookie jar are headed for the bottom of the lake,” Henry announced.

Dave struggled, and Henry punched him until he was unconscious. Dave woke when his body hit the cold water at the river’s edge. The cookie jar, now full of cement, was strapped to his chest.

Henry got into the kayak and dragged Dave’s body into the center of the lake. He cut the rope and watched as Dave struggled to stay above water.

“Why?”

“You always ate the last cookie from the jar,” Henry replied. “Just like my dad. You and he will become fast friends, I’m sure.”

“You sick …”

Henry slammed the kayak paddle against Dave’s head then watched him sink into the water with a very satisfied grin on his face. “Time to eat the cookies.”

Wednesday, May 9, 2018

As You Wish

“He's got a tux on, look at him now with a tux on,
He's gonna get one with a tux on, free admission with a tux on,
Get it anyway with a tux on,
He's got a tux on the easy way with a tux on, tux on.”*

Marv hit rewind and listened to the words again. The easy way, he thought as he glanced down at the coiled rope on the seat next to him.

He wondered if his family would bury him in a tux or in the ridiculous suit he wore to job interviews and weddings.

Marv drove down the main street as he called his seven ex-wives, his soon-to-be ex-wife and his girlfriend. He asked them all to meet him at his apartment at 7 PM. That would give him a couple of hours to make the final preparations.

*          *          *

The nine women were surprised as, one by one, they appeared in the lobby to Marv’s apartment building. Their chatter made them sound like a gaggle of geese. They asked each other if they knew what was going on but no one knew more than he’d told them on the phone.

Dana, Marv’s current wife, punched in the security code and the group of women entered the elevator. As they traveled to the fourteenth floor they became silent. They looked at each other, wondering what Marv was up to this time.

Dana unlocked the door and gasped when she pushed it open. The room was filled with flowers, one bouquet of favorite flowers for each wife and girlfriend. Candles were lit everywhere. A banquet of their favorite foods was laid out on a table and nine bottles of wine, the favorite of each woman.

The women were stunned. The evidence that Marv had been listening to them stood before them. They wandered around the room silently just looking at the things Marv had left for them.

“Where’s Marv?” Jerri, Marv’s third wife, finally asked after they began eating.

“Probably watching on video camera or something perverse like that,” Sheila, his fifth wife, answered. They all laughed.

Just then Betty, his girlfriend, noticed a package at the end of the banquet table. It was simply addressed: To the Women I’ve Loved. She picked it up and quickly unwrapped it as the others huddled around her. Inside the velveteen box was a note. She read it out loud.

“Thank you for being part of my life. I am sorry I was a horrible husband and lover. To make amends, I’ve granted your wish.

Love, Marv

PS -- You’ll find your present in the bedroom.”

The women ran down the hall to the bedroom and rushed to open the door. They stopped and gasped in horror as they saw Marv hanging from the ceiling. Marv had granted each of their wish: He had dropped dead.

* “Tux On” by Derek William Dick
Published by EMI Music Publishing
Copyright 1987
United Kingdom

Friday, January 5, 2018

Tanner finds a home

A soft mewing woke Gandor. He discovered a deserted kitten near his cave.

“Poor thing! I shall name you Tanner! Now, who is the thoughtless human who did this?”

He sniffed the kitten, then the air and tracked the scent to a nearby house.

The kitten mewed hungrily, Gandor smiled devilishly. “I know what to do!”

He broke into the house and found the occupants. He quickly liquefied the humans with his laser eyes.

Tanner eagerly licked up their remains. When he was full, the kitten stretched then yawned.

Gandor scooped Tanner up again. “Let’s head home, its nap time!”

Monday, October 30, 2017

Midnight Snack


I woke up in the middle of the night to the sound of something sharp tapping on glass. When you live in the city with no trees around and on the 15th floor, the sound is a bit concerning.

I looked over, there was a young girl on a broom, soaked to the skin from the rain storm. Her cat was faring no better. I opened the window and helped her in.

"Helluva night to be out flying," I said.

"Helluva night to be stupid enough to open your window," a deep voice replied as the young girl shape-shifted into a green slimy monster. He opened his mouth then swallowed me whole.

I struggled inside his mouth as I felt the jagged edges of his inner set of teeth press against my skin.

"Daddy?" a young voice cried out from the doorway.

"Dessert!" The monster laughed and stepped towards the child.

"Not today!" I punched and kicked the monster over and over until he opened his mouth. I forced my way out then punched and kicked him until he dropped to the floor.

I was breathing heavily as I dripped slime all over my new shag carpet. I looked at my foster daughter and smiled. "Go back to bed, sweetie."

I watched as she went down the hall then looked back down at the dying monster. No one was going to be eating her but me.