James barely made it to the bathroom and got his sweatpants down before his gastritis caused the contents of his bowels to explode into the toilet. “Good lord,” he said when he finished.
James wiped the sweat from his forehead before it got to his green eyes. His attention deficit disorder hijacked his thoughts and he was reminded of a TV show he’d seen several years ago. One of the characters was faking their death and was forced to soil himself to convince people he was dead. It was gross but also really funny.
He laughed as he thought to himself, “When I die, it is going to be real unfriendly for anyone near me! Ghosts had better be real. I don’t wanna miss that!”
Several months later, he was late to a meeting and running to the elevator at work. There was a wet spot near the stairwell and his feet flew out from under him. He tried to remember what sensei had taught him about falling, but everything moved too fast and he landed with a thud.
James’ head slammed on the hard tile and he was knocked out. As he started to gain consciousness, he could hear people gasping at the sight of him. He realized there was blood pooling around his head and his long greasy brown hair was quickly matting as it soaked up the thick red fluid.
Heavy boots shook the floor as two EMTs rushed towards him with a stretcher. The pain in his head intensified and the scream was silenced by his inability to control his body.
“Can you hear me?” a distant voice asked. “Squeeze my hand if you can hear me.”
James instructed his hand to squeeze the hand touching his but nothing happened. He tried several more times, more insistently with each attempt, but it was useless. His hand was not moving.
“We have to take you to the hospital and are going to lift you onto a stretcher,” a new voice said. “Don’t try to move. Ready, Dave? One, two, three… lift.”
The EMTs grunted as they lifted him. They lost their grip and his large body landed with a thud on the stretcher. A fresh chorus of gasps filled the hallway. “Be careful with James!” a voice scolded.
The two EMTs apologized then rolled him into the elevator and out to the waiting ambulance. “We’re putting you in the ambulance,” the first voice informed him. “Don’t try to move.”
James tried to speak but his mouth wouldn’t move. He tried to give a thumbs up but nothing happened. Several times there was darkness closing in around him and he struggled to stay away from the light that loomed in the distance.
The ambulance screeched to a stop. The rear of the rescue vehicle was slammed into by a large dump truck. James’ body lifted off the stretcher and slammed back down hard.
Much of his life flashed before him then everything went black except for the light that was now directly in front of him. He stepped closer to it and he could feel his soul rising from his body.
He looked down at his limp body and waited for it to go through the initial stages of death. “Here it comes,” he thought as he watched and waited. Suddenly there was a gurgling sound followed by a rush of liquid feces as his bowels emptied, filling the small enclosure with a putrid sweet smell.
“Oh damn!” the first EMT exclaimed as he tried to cover his nose and not hurl the contents of his stomach on James.
“Jesus! What did he eat?!” the other EMT asked, rolling down the windows to let in much needed fresh air.
James laughed heartily at the reaction of the two seasoned EMTs. It was so much better than he had imagined it would be. The Grim Reaper appeared next to him. “It is time to go,” he told James.
“One minute more, please?” James pleaded. As he finished speaking, a second rush of feces expelled itself from his body. It was too much for the EMTs and they both emptied the contents of their stomachs. The one leaning over James covered his dead body with vomit.
James laughed loudly as the Grim Reaper guided him away from the ambulance. “That was so good! Have you ever seen so much shit at one time?”
“I can’t say that I’ve ever noticed.”
“I bet you’d see so much nasty shit if you waited for them to soil themselves,” James said enthusiastically. “Oh man, I bet that would be so funny.”
James was still laughing to himself as they made their way down the path to hell. “Thanks, man. I really appreciate you letting me wait,” James said when they got to the entrance. “That was freaking fantastic! Totally worth it!”
The Grim Reaper rolled his eyes, then presented James to Satan’s fire imps to be processed and given the rules for life deep in the earth’s center.
A few minutes later, James passed through the checkpoint, still chuckling about the mess he caused, and made his way towards the cell where he was going to serve his eternal sentence in the pits of hell.
As the fire imp guard closed the cell door, James started laughing maniacally at the joke in his head.
“What’s so damn funny?” the soul in the cell next to him asked. His voice was gruff and he sounded grumpy.
“When I died, the EMTs got the shit end of the deal,” James replied then fell on the floor laughing. Eternity was going to be a helluva good time.